So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
