I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
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