Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
