Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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