that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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