I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
ugly people sure do ruin things
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Randomize
