I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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