Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I will pee on everything he values.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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