Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
