She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
