You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
