I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
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Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
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I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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