dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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