I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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