I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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