If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
