my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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