I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
