I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
