did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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