So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
