she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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