she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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