he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
