I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
