There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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