have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
