i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
