I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
