I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
