the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
