Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
