Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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