Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
