so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
