I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Drake has all the answers
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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