omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
