Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
