I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
