Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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