I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
