I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
