That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
