Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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