I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
