I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
