im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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