His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
How does it feel to date your dad?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
