i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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