in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
