Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
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No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
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I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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