I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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