Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
