Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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