I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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