literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
