allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
im holly from the hills drunk
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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